Amy Pauli

Small Jumps; Big Leaps

I’m a firm believer that what you put out into the Universe comes back to you with interest. Like a bank, you ask? Yup. Like a bank. We’re all just members of this giant corporation surrounding us that grows both bigger and smaller each day and is entirely out of our reach of understanding. Isn’t that exciting! I was reflecting today while working on a project that’s due tomorrow which is only about 75% done (as one does). I was thinking about how many little changes in my life over the past year have led to giant results. I used to think that going to a state University, joining a sorority, finding a perfect guy who would always support me in all my endeavors, and finding a job in my safe career path would lead to happiness. And for some people, it seems to work. But the same way we can’t all be prescribed the same set of pills or the same pair of eye-lenses, we can’t all be the followers of a beaten path that has been walked by the endless generations surrounding us. We have to differ and stray and make decisions that others wouldn’t dream of imagining (and might not even want to!). I discovered University life to be overwhelming and suffocating. I didn’t like my major. I didn’t like where I lived. I didn’t like many of the people surrounding me (although I found a few treasured girls that I will always love and thank for making me smile in these darkest of times). I hit rock bottom, as far as I have ever felt it before that is, and finally decided the only way to go was up. I moved home, I changed my major, I went back to a job where I wasn’t necessarily welcomed by a person who (unfortunately) had a major influence on my life at the time. A lot of times, it felt like I was dragging my feet through mud that just didn’t want to allow me passage forward. I’m glad I kept mucking through because I’ve started to see my life open up to me for the first time in a long time and I’ve started loving everything I do. I believe we have to make seemingly small decisions to see big results. I believe we have to accept failure and defeat and take them hand in hand and run with them, if only because if we don’t we let them set up a home in our hearts and become some of the worse tenants ever (they don’t pay rent and they’ll skip out on calling maintenance when something breaks.) I believe we have to be okay with facing the worst versions of ourselves in order to find the best versions. We have to meet ourselves where we are to realistically move forward. We have to dream as much as we ground ourselves. Looking back, I’m glad I was a depressed piece of shit in my first year of college. I’m glad I rediscovered passion in art through that depression, because it led to my pursuit of being an artist today. I’m glad I felt the worst heartbreak I’d ever experienced in my life because it led me back to myself in the layers of him and the denial and betrayal I felt in my heart. In finding myself in that, I found the person I’m lucky enough to love now who feels like coming home after a long day. I’m glad I was able to accept my depression with open arms and that I’m able to greet it like an old friend when it stops by for a visit and a cup of coffee. I’m glad I made small decisions and coping mechanisms that have turned into much larger-scale realities and futures for me. I hope I continue to grow and change every day and my smallest of accomplishments or setbacks will grow and change with me. 

Food for thought/ Sunday, June 18th a 2:31 pm